Keeping on going …

Well, I started with good intentions of writing something everyday during Lent … and then sort of stopped just after starting … can’t really put my finger exactly on why – as to what the trigger was – since there have been many days I’ve thought about it, and many things that I wanted to write about … but I do know that it is a pattern that seems to have been with me for a lot (all?) of my life.

I feel like there are many things I start with great energy and then am scared to finish – but still somehow I am waiting for the day when I will.  It is as though I am fearful of really having a go.

I’m still in Sydney right now – primarily because I haven’t arranged my Chinese language training for when I return to China – I want to do it, but am also scared of deciding what and where!

It has now been 25 years since the passing of my father (28 February was the anniversary of his death).  Sometimes I wonder if I have ever really properly grieved … I can still remember a strange thought back at that time – that I would grieve for him when I got my life organised.  Sometimes I wonder if I am still waiting for that moment – and also if the picture I still have of myself is of a 21-year old?

I’m about to go canyoning for the weekend (or that is the plan, though maybe the rain in Sydney over the past 30 hours might change that plan?) – but I certainly my body lets me know when I go to do something physical like this that I am not still 21!

But I decided I would at least post something before I went … so I’ve now achieved something!

On being single at the moment …

After pushing through yesterday morning to write my second post (http://wp.me/s18z5n-belief) , I was sure that I could ‘get back on track’ with making an entry at the end of the day … Well, I started to write this third post, but then found myself wondering what to even write about – what would anyone else want to even read?!

I decided to watch a movie quite late last night and over the years have slowly come to realise that I find it difficult to do something else and watch TV or a movie!  And then it was really late and I still hadn’t decided what to write … and easily fell asleep (something that so far in my life has always come easily for me – thankfully – but I know that is not so for everyone!)

On waking then this morning, I felt a little jaded – that “haven’t yet had enough sleep” – and I realised that it is purely from my choices – and mostly only impacts on me … which got me thinking about being single …

Many of you who will read this know that I have not yet gotten married – though I do still hope that will happen at some stage for me – I don’t believe I am ‘called’ to be single. Actually, it is amazing though how many people on hearing that I am single suddenly think that they need to do something about it – I’m sure that their intention is good – but the message that I receive often is as though I have a disease that they need to help me be cured from!  I find this is particularly so amongst people who are Christian and also those who are ethnically Chinese – it seems that many Christians don’t know how to deal with people being single – so their response of trying to marry me off is more about them than me; and in Chinese culture, their is a very strong expectation that young people as they move into the workforce will then get married … and there will be strong family pressure – many young Chinese people may be experiencing that right now, whilst back in their home-town for Spring Festival celebrating the Chinese Lunar New Year.

Things like Valentine’s Day can then be problematic when not in a relationship – yes, it is all meant to be fun etc … but it can just heighten a degree of loneliness.  This year a friend of a similar age to myself expressed such sentiments commenting on a Facebook post – and she didn’t expect anyone she knew to see it – but I did in one of my random moments on Facebook … and then I thought why don’t a few of us “never yet married” people do something that day together!  Often I am guilty of thinking of ideas, but not acting on them – but this one I did!  And so, a group of us went out and had a lovely dinner – some of us knew each other more than others – but that didn’t matter – it was simply nice to simply enjoy dinner without feeling there was any agenda or need to impress or anything else. My only regret: that I wasn’t bolder in following the in-advance suggestion of one of the ladies and getting flowers for each of the ladies present, since they rarely experience that – maybe I was scared it might have been misinterpreted – whereas in fact it could’ve been a lovely blessing.

I was challenged recently by a friend’s post on Facebook where he shared his “Thirteen things in 2013” (actually the same friend I referred to in my first post – see http://wp.me/p18z5n-8 – who is fasting from social networking for Lent), where number one is to tell his wife everyday that he loves her!  I got thinking if I was to make a similar list, what might I write instead of such an entry?  I thought of “praying everyday to find a wife”, but somehow that didn’t sit right. Then I thought maybe it is about working on my character everyday so that I am becoming the man a young lady would be honoured to have as her husband. Well, I’ve got that as an idea … now to work out how to actually do something about that!

Belief

In some of the training that I’ve done over the past decade or so, I’ve often heard it said that ‘intention doesn’t guarantee performance’.

I said in my first blog that “I’ve set a goal to make an entry every day for the period of Lent and right up until Easter Sunday.” … And here I am not having made an entry for the second day!

I was gonna … Last night I felt exhausted, and thought why don’t I have a 5-minute powernap, then do it? Seemed a good idea … But I didn’t set my alarm, and instead of 5 minutes, it was more like 5 hours! Waking in the middle of the night, I thought I could get it fine before the new day in my part of the world … Well, I did write an email to a friend, but fell asleep after that thinking of what I might write here! So, now the new day has begun!

I have a meeting booked in at 11 my time, and now am thinking I can get something written about yesterday before then (it’s about 10:30 as I write this) … But sitting here there is a part of me that feels more like going and having another nap than writing here!

Am I physically tired? Well, yes, a bit, and I can think of some reasons to explain that …

But, I think there is also the question of belief … Do I really believe I can do it?

It would be easy to say ‘of course I do’, and even get a bit upset if someone questioned that … But I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this question lately in a number of aspects of my life, and scarily finding that often the picture of myself that I’ve built up inside of myself (the self-concept) is that I don’t really believe I can achieve things. I’ll talk about something quite confidently, but then not follow through … And this has become quite a well-established pattern.

It feels like I’ve been battling this for a long time without finding a way through … But am still hopeful that one day thus will change …

For now, though I haven’t written about other things I’d thought I might (such as Valentine’s Day), hopefully the fact that I have pushed through now to post something is a small step in the right direction … And now I’m off to my meeting 🙂

A new beginning :-)

This morning I was disappointed with myself for a choice I’d made. I had some space to sit and journal about it. As I did, a number of things converged together:

– it being Ash Wednesday and so the start of Lent, and I have been wondering about things I might choose to give up in this period as a way of growing my relationship with God

– I was particularly challenged by a Facebook friend who is giving up social networking for this period, so he can have more time to pray.

– An overnight email told me another friend had a new blog entry – and since I’ve just downloaded the new WordPress Android App, I thought I could easily look at it … And at the same time check any follow up comments to my comment in his previous entry – and I found he’d written something encouraging about me having a story to share – which got me thinking whether I believe that – or not …

– yesterday (Tuesday) we decided that I would fly to China in 2 weeks’ time (rather than today!), and so it feels like I have a period of preparation and reflection time …

– for a while I’ve been challenged about accountability in a number of aspects of my life – and I’ve been realising that I don’t share much about my life with anybody in any context … And so, with all these things buzzing around, I suddenly thought: maybe I could start writing a blog?!

So, here I am – and I’ve set a goal to make an entry every day for the period of Lent and right up until Easter Sunday. That seems to be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and a clear Timeframe.

Will anyone read it? – well, I’m not sure – but, like speaking on radio, I need to assume that someone will. Anyway, even if no one does, I hope it will be good Self Therapy in working things through for myself!

So, here I am at the start of Lent, not just thinking about things I might give up, but starting something new! Thanks for sharing this window into Rohan’s world … Enjoy the ride with me! Please do comment and share your thoughts with me 🙂